Sunday, September 12, 2010
Day 17 - Officially UNDERWEIGHT!!!
I can't even tell you how fantastic it was to weight this morning, I now have a BMI of 18.4, granted its still only .1 underweight but its a start!! :)
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Day 16 & some insight
Im losing weight - finally!!! :) The gap between my thighs is back :) Im in love, and my laptop gets hooked on my ribs when Im sitting/laying :)......other things in my life aren't going as well...but I think that may be because I make them more complicated and stress myself out?
I think I have a huge problem with relationships....they never last...and its usually my fault...things are fantastic for the first bit, then I find some fault (of my own) and convince myself that he will never stay with me anyways so I give numerous options and reasons to leave me and then when that doesnt work and we are talking serious commitment, babies, marriage, houses, everything, Im all gung-ho for the first bit and then it just stops cold and I dont want it anymore....then I usually end up feeling so guilty about it that I do something on purpose to make the relationship end because I cant bring myself to do it.....I think I am just too scared that it wont last, that his feelings will change so I make myself change mine, I back up and close myself off so I dont get too badly hurt....its a huge issue for me.
I think I have a huge problem with relationships....they never last...and its usually my fault...things are fantastic for the first bit, then I find some fault (of my own) and convince myself that he will never stay with me anyways so I give numerous options and reasons to leave me and then when that doesnt work and we are talking serious commitment, babies, marriage, houses, everything, Im all gung-ho for the first bit and then it just stops cold and I dont want it anymore....then I usually end up feeling so guilty about it that I do something on purpose to make the relationship end because I cant bring myself to do it.....I think I am just too scared that it wont last, that his feelings will change so I make myself change mine, I back up and close myself off so I dont get too badly hurt....its a huge issue for me.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Day 14
Two weeks. Two whole weeks and I've not lost near enough...its measurement day but Im not measuring because Im bloated from my cycle...I will weigh later though....
Im just feeling discouraged, that its not going to matter how skinny I get because it will never be enough, that I will never get skinny....I so badly want to be the size I used to be before I tried to recover.
Im not eating lunch today, so far Ive had green tea, and then Im planning on soup, 300 cals or less, thats all...I dont even have an appetite, I just want to go to sleep, I feel like I could sleep forever, and I am so cold.
I go to school and I function on autopilot. I take the notes but I have no idea what we even talk about, which isn't good if I want to pass this last year of college....
I am just so FAT, so disgustingly fat.
Im just feeling discouraged, that its not going to matter how skinny I get because it will never be enough, that I will never get skinny....I so badly want to be the size I used to be before I tried to recover.
Im not eating lunch today, so far Ive had green tea, and then Im planning on soup, 300 cals or less, thats all...I dont even have an appetite, I just want to go to sleep, I feel like I could sleep forever, and I am so cold.
I go to school and I function on autopilot. I take the notes but I have no idea what we even talk about, which isn't good if I want to pass this last year of college....
I am just so FAT, so disgustingly fat.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Day 12
I am STRESSED. Completely and totally stressed, I have a cold, Im all premenstrual, Ive been binging, and I start my second year of college tomorrow :( ....Im pretty much a manic mess...
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Day ? Im not sure..
...Ive lost count of the days, long story short, I've gained a little bit...blah...I will lose it though.
I just can't stand my weight, I look in the mirror and all I see is fat, chin rolls, and just LARD. I am disgusted with myself.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Day Seven - STATS and Measurement Update
Weight: 119.2
Waist: 25 inches
Hips: 36 inches
Bust: 32 inches
Upper Thigh: 20.5 inches
Now a whole heck of a lot of change :(
Waist: 25 inches
Hips: 36 inches
Bust: 32 inches
Upper Thigh: 20.5 inches
Now a whole heck of a lot of change :(
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Daddy's Ten Rules Of Dating
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early'
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, imwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early'
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, imwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Girlie Wisdom - from a friend
1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.
10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
12. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.
10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
12. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
Some Goals
I want to be 105 pounds....currently Im 119...I can do it, just 14 pounds really... :) Totally doable...however 105 puts me at a BMI of 16.5...something Im sure my family will notice and put the brakes on....Im going to find a way of reaching it though....but at the same time I know 105 wont be enough, that ultimately I want to be 89 pounds, a BMI of 13.9....There is just something soothing about that number, 13 is my lucky number, and 89 sounds smooth.
I want to finish this last year at college, with fantastic grades...I want a job, and a vehicle of my own (jeep liberty).
I want inner strength, and inner peace. I want BONES.
I just want to be happy.
I want patience, control, and power.
I want to be desired, loved and needed.
I want to be SKINNY.
I want to be the girl everyone else is envious of, the girl all the guys want and all the girls want to look like, the one who can buy the size 0 jeans and look fab in them.
I want to finish this last year at college, with fantastic grades...I want a job, and a vehicle of my own (jeep liberty).
I want inner strength, and inner peace. I want BONES.
I just want to be happy.
I want patience, control, and power.
I want to be desired, loved and needed.
I want to be SKINNY.
I want to be the girl everyone else is envious of, the girl all the guys want and all the girls want to look like, the one who can buy the size 0 jeans and look fab in them.
Just Bloggin'
Firstly, I want to make sure all my friends know just how much I appreciate and love and adore each and every one of them, a lot has gone on lately and if it weren't for each and every one of you I would have been a complete broken mess...so THANK YOU! :)
Secondly, to those people who are constant negativity in my life, move on, youre not worth it, seriously, because you are not going to bring me down...
And thirdly, I love clean bedding :) haha, it makes the whole room smell lovely and its just heavenly to go to bed :) haha AND I also love Big Brother :)...
Secondly, to those people who are constant negativity in my life, move on, youre not worth it, seriously, because you are not going to bring me down...
And thirdly, I love clean bedding :) haha, it makes the whole room smell lovely and its just heavenly to go to bed :) haha AND I also love Big Brother :)...
Day 6 - Noon
So Im sitting at the kitchen table with my mom...she's eating chinese food and salad, as if the salad is going to counteract the billion calories in the greasy chinese...BAH, Im having diet Dr. Pepper for lunch :)...however, and Im aware this is completely irrational, Im worried Im going to absorb the calories in her food...gah, it smells good...but I will NOT eat it, actually I dont even feel like eating, which is good :)
Im just going to sit here through lunch, then go clean my room and sort out all my clothes :) YAY!
Im just going to sit here through lunch, then go clean my room and sort out all my clothes :) YAY!
Day 6 STATS
Weight: 119.8
Tomorrow marks one week, which means time to measure....Im nervous...in six days Ive only lost 3.6 pounds...
Tomorrow marks one week, which means time to measure....Im nervous...in six days Ive only lost 3.6 pounds...
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Day Five- STAT update & other
Weight: 120.6 pounds
Thats a loss of 2.8 pounds in 5 days, well really 4 days, day 5 is just beginning. Im not overly please, BUT any loss is better than nothing :)
Im not sure why I didn't blog yesterday, it wasn't a bad day, under 300 calories and lots of shopping :)....
Hoping today goes as good, and who wants to join me for a fast on Wednesday?
Thats a loss of 2.8 pounds in 5 days, well really 4 days, day 5 is just beginning. Im not overly please, BUT any loss is better than nothing :)
Im not sure why I didn't blog yesterday, it wasn't a bad day, under 300 calories and lots of shopping :)....
Hoping today goes as good, and who wants to join me for a fast on Wednesday?
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Now The Tears Come...
...along with more determination than I've had in a long time....
So Im assuming you read my "Letter To You"...yeah, second time in about a month that my life is changing so drastically...I've given up, I have completely lost faith and hope and perseverance. I am giving in completely to my eating disorder. I just want to waste away.
Nobody will ever truly love me, its just not going to happen, Im never going to have a family, a husband, a job, a house, none of it. Its just not going to happen and I was stupid for believing it would.
Ive just never been liked, I dont know what it is, Im not feeling sorry for myself here, just being honest. Maybe people can see just how fucked up I am so they avoid me? I dont really have any "real" friends, Ive never had a "real" boyfriend and eventually everybody I care about leaves. Either I hurt them or they hurt me.
Im learning to accept that nothing is going to work out, that Im not going to have the things Ive wanted for so long.
Now all I want is to waste away, thats all I want <3
So Im assuming you read my "Letter To You"...yeah, second time in about a month that my life is changing so drastically...I've given up, I have completely lost faith and hope and perseverance. I am giving in completely to my eating disorder. I just want to waste away.
Nobody will ever truly love me, its just not going to happen, Im never going to have a family, a husband, a job, a house, none of it. Its just not going to happen and I was stupid for believing it would.
Ive just never been liked, I dont know what it is, Im not feeling sorry for myself here, just being honest. Maybe people can see just how fucked up I am so they avoid me? I dont really have any "real" friends, Ive never had a "real" boyfriend and eventually everybody I care about leaves. Either I hurt them or they hurt me.
Im learning to accept that nothing is going to work out, that Im not going to have the things Ive wanted for so long.
Now all I want is to waste away, thats all I want <3
Day Three - STATS Update
Weight: 123 pounds...down .4 of a pound, not great but anything negative is good :)
Letter To You...
...so this may not make a whole lot of sense to you guys, its basically me just really needing to vent but not wanting to give the guy the time of day.....
I am so ANGRY with you....first of all, just walking away? Youre a grown man, ACT LIKE IT. Because while you felt like the conversation was going nowhere I was learning a lot about you, and not a heck of a lot of good things, although I guess your up and leaving taught me some things as well...thanks for that. You really let your true self shine through tonight, and I know youre expecting me to text you now and apologize and beg you to forgive me because Im just a silly girl and Im sick so really I didnt know what I was saying, I know you love me and want me there and all that jazz, but guess what!? I DONT KNOW THAT, you never tell me that, or when you do its usually because youre feeling guilty for something....oh and how you took extra time off for the upcoming long weekend so you can go see youre precious "friend" Delia, the one who supposedly thinks our relationship is just charming? Yeah, its obvious youre fucking her, or you want to be...she has a freaking key to your house, she JUST left after being there nearly two weeks, you were out just before that and she was there just before that....
All I wanted was some reassurance that I wasnt planning my future around somebody who doesn't even care if Im there, and then you go and tell me you can't always be reassuring, ok fair enough, but I cant always be so god damn understanding.
Im just convenient for you, somebody who's there when your friends have gone home...well I am DONE. Because, frankly, youre an ass...a manipulative, controlling dick head and even I can see that I dont deserve to be treated like that.....honestly I should have known when you said you'd hit me for saying you dont care if we see each other, I should have known when you wouldnt spend any of your money to be here with me, when you kept trying to change me into something Im not.
I DONT LIKE SPORTS! I don't want to play softball with you, I dont want to go mountain biking, I dont like that stuff, I like reading and knitting and sewing...I dont like your music, its not going to grow on me, I like country music. I dont like your constant healthy eating, I love junk food (a little too much). I dont love going out every night and every weekend, I love staying home. I dont feel the need to spend a ridiculous amount on a pair of jeans when I can buy the exact same thing for half the price, or second hand, I love second hand shops and it pisses me off that you raise your nose to them because you are SOOOOO not above them.....I dont like you controlling me, I like input on my decisions but when you want to pick who I go out with and what I wear and what I do then we have a huge problem. Especially since you dont have to be accountable...I hate that you flirt and kiss other girls but say it doesnt matter so long as you come back to me at the end of the night because it really fucking does matter to me.
I am beyond angry with you.
Although I do owe you a lot of props, you taught me that its ok to love myself and to know that I deserve things and to go and get the things I want and deserve.....darn on you for not realizing that I deserve SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU!
99% of the time you act like you dont give two bits about me, you never talk to me first unless you want something and you get annoyed with me a lot of the time....well news flash, Im a girl, Im a girl with HUGE insecurity issues, of course I need some fucking reassurance...too bad you cant be the one to provide that because honestly, youre 32, youre running out of chances...youre a former coke head, you do pot on occasion, you drink all the time, youve just got a good job and youre a controlling ASS.....good luck with that hun, there is a reason youre single....
Even know Im stating to think maybe I overreacted, but I know I didnt, Ive felt like this for awhile and Ive made excuse after excuse for you but Im done, either you shape up and prove to me that you deserve me, which will take you a LONG time, or we're done, Im thinkin its going to be the second option because you feel like women OWE YOU. Well news flash buddy, its 2010, no woman is going to be reliant on you, it just wont happen.
So you can take youre controlling behaviors, youre need to make me feel inferior and guilty and SHOVE THEM. Because honestly, I know some of the girls youve been with, and I am a HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN THEM!
Oh and why the fuck cant you tell me how many women you've had sex with? I know its trivial but it annoys me that you are SO VERY secretive about your past, just what are you trying to hide?
I thought I would be sad, maybe later I will be, once the anger fades, Im sure I will have a huge cry, I'll grieve for the things we had, because, at least for me, there were feelings there, and I think you had them too, but you just couldnt show them, I'll grieve for the plans we had, and I'll grieve for how for a short period of time I completely lost my sense of right and wrong, but in the end I'll be ok....because you know those friends of mine you didnt really like? Well I LOVE THEM, and it just so happens they see the great things in me you could never see....
I don't know who exactly hurt you so bad that you don't trust me, you don't trust women, you think they are below you and basically there to serve you...actually one time you told me women are there to cook and clean and take care of men...haha, yeah right, not this one... I dont know how you figured we could get married and have kids when you are so damn afraid of commitment...everything had to be your way or you would act like a big old baby...its not attractive at all hun....
Overall Im so over your crap...Im over the way you treat me and Im not going to be the one to say sorry, not this time...I dont think I was asking for too much asking you to say you love me and want me there with you....its just a shame you couldnt get over your issues and be a man...because we could have been great....I deserve so much better than you, you should know that, youre the one who helped me see what I deserve. I deserve to be happy and you don't make me happy very often....I'll be there for you as a friend if you want but honestly, I think we will just drift apart, I dont think you know how to be "just friends" with women...
See ya later...maybe you'll see what you've lost, probably not though, Im sure this will all be my fault...whatever, I'll take the blame, I dont care, so long as its done. Im not wasting my money to come see you when you cant to come see me...
I am so ANGRY with you....first of all, just walking away? Youre a grown man, ACT LIKE IT. Because while you felt like the conversation was going nowhere I was learning a lot about you, and not a heck of a lot of good things, although I guess your up and leaving taught me some things as well...thanks for that. You really let your true self shine through tonight, and I know youre expecting me to text you now and apologize and beg you to forgive me because Im just a silly girl and Im sick so really I didnt know what I was saying, I know you love me and want me there and all that jazz, but guess what!? I DONT KNOW THAT, you never tell me that, or when you do its usually because youre feeling guilty for something....oh and how you took extra time off for the upcoming long weekend so you can go see youre precious "friend" Delia, the one who supposedly thinks our relationship is just charming? Yeah, its obvious youre fucking her, or you want to be...she has a freaking key to your house, she JUST left after being there nearly two weeks, you were out just before that and she was there just before that....
All I wanted was some reassurance that I wasnt planning my future around somebody who doesn't even care if Im there, and then you go and tell me you can't always be reassuring, ok fair enough, but I cant always be so god damn understanding.
Im just convenient for you, somebody who's there when your friends have gone home...well I am DONE. Because, frankly, youre an ass...a manipulative, controlling dick head and even I can see that I dont deserve to be treated like that.....honestly I should have known when you said you'd hit me for saying you dont care if we see each other, I should have known when you wouldnt spend any of your money to be here with me, when you kept trying to change me into something Im not.
I DONT LIKE SPORTS! I don't want to play softball with you, I dont want to go mountain biking, I dont like that stuff, I like reading and knitting and sewing...I dont like your music, its not going to grow on me, I like country music. I dont like your constant healthy eating, I love junk food (a little too much). I dont love going out every night and every weekend, I love staying home. I dont feel the need to spend a ridiculous amount on a pair of jeans when I can buy the exact same thing for half the price, or second hand, I love second hand shops and it pisses me off that you raise your nose to them because you are SOOOOO not above them.....I dont like you controlling me, I like input on my decisions but when you want to pick who I go out with and what I wear and what I do then we have a huge problem. Especially since you dont have to be accountable...I hate that you flirt and kiss other girls but say it doesnt matter so long as you come back to me at the end of the night because it really fucking does matter to me.
I am beyond angry with you.
Although I do owe you a lot of props, you taught me that its ok to love myself and to know that I deserve things and to go and get the things I want and deserve.....darn on you for not realizing that I deserve SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU!
99% of the time you act like you dont give two bits about me, you never talk to me first unless you want something and you get annoyed with me a lot of the time....well news flash, Im a girl, Im a girl with HUGE insecurity issues, of course I need some fucking reassurance...too bad you cant be the one to provide that because honestly, youre 32, youre running out of chances...youre a former coke head, you do pot on occasion, you drink all the time, youve just got a good job and youre a controlling ASS.....good luck with that hun, there is a reason youre single....
Even know Im stating to think maybe I overreacted, but I know I didnt, Ive felt like this for awhile and Ive made excuse after excuse for you but Im done, either you shape up and prove to me that you deserve me, which will take you a LONG time, or we're done, Im thinkin its going to be the second option because you feel like women OWE YOU. Well news flash buddy, its 2010, no woman is going to be reliant on you, it just wont happen.
So you can take youre controlling behaviors, youre need to make me feel inferior and guilty and SHOVE THEM. Because honestly, I know some of the girls youve been with, and I am a HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN THEM!
Oh and why the fuck cant you tell me how many women you've had sex with? I know its trivial but it annoys me that you are SO VERY secretive about your past, just what are you trying to hide?
I thought I would be sad, maybe later I will be, once the anger fades, Im sure I will have a huge cry, I'll grieve for the things we had, because, at least for me, there were feelings there, and I think you had them too, but you just couldnt show them, I'll grieve for the plans we had, and I'll grieve for how for a short period of time I completely lost my sense of right and wrong, but in the end I'll be ok....because you know those friends of mine you didnt really like? Well I LOVE THEM, and it just so happens they see the great things in me you could never see....
I don't know who exactly hurt you so bad that you don't trust me, you don't trust women, you think they are below you and basically there to serve you...actually one time you told me women are there to cook and clean and take care of men...haha, yeah right, not this one... I dont know how you figured we could get married and have kids when you are so damn afraid of commitment...everything had to be your way or you would act like a big old baby...its not attractive at all hun....
Overall Im so over your crap...Im over the way you treat me and Im not going to be the one to say sorry, not this time...I dont think I was asking for too much asking you to say you love me and want me there with you....its just a shame you couldnt get over your issues and be a man...because we could have been great....I deserve so much better than you, you should know that, youre the one who helped me see what I deserve. I deserve to be happy and you don't make me happy very often....I'll be there for you as a friend if you want but honestly, I think we will just drift apart, I dont think you know how to be "just friends" with women...
See ya later...maybe you'll see what you've lost, probably not though, Im sure this will all be my fault...whatever, I'll take the blame, I dont care, so long as its done. Im not wasting my money to come see you when you cant to come see me...
Day Three - Morning
I hate feeling so anxious, overly anxious and worried and stressed out about everything, about things that aren't really in my control to begin with.....I feel like if I can get control back over my body, what I weigh, what I eat, how I look then everything else will be manageable. I need that skinny feeling back, where I know Im one of the skinniest girls in the room, I know that Im that little bit above the others who cant control themselves and their wants as well...I WILL get that back, I have to, I have to lose this weight.
Ive been liquid fasting for the past couple of days but I think Im going to end that today and just stay under 350 calories....
Ive been liquid fasting for the past couple of days but I think Im going to end that today and just stay under 350 calories....
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Day Two - STATS
Weight: 123.4 pounds
Waist: 26 inches
Hips: 35.5 inches
Bust: 32.5 inches
Upper Thigh: 20.5 inches
FAT!
Ive tried on my jeans, the jeans I used to wear every day and I honestly can't do them up....thats my goal for the next week and a half, do my jeans up.
ps. If you want to see pics this post corresponds with photo album Entry ONE on my fb...
Waist: 26 inches
Hips: 35.5 inches
Bust: 32.5 inches
Upper Thigh: 20.5 inches
FAT!
Ive tried on my jeans, the jeans I used to wear every day and I honestly can't do them up....thats my goal for the next week and a half, do my jeans up.
ps. If you want to see pics this post corresponds with photo album Entry ONE on my fb...
Day Two - Midday
My parents are home...I forgot how hard it is when my parents are around....but Im still sticking to my liquid fast :)
I havent weighed or measured yet, too nervous so I just put it off......Im going grocery shopping this afternoon, something I completely LOVE, even though I look like a retard reading every label I can get my hands on....
I'll fill you in when I get home :)
I havent weighed or measured yet, too nervous so I just put it off......Im going grocery shopping this afternoon, something I completely LOVE, even though I look like a retard reading every label I can get my hands on....
I'll fill you in when I get home :)
Friday, August 27, 2010
Day One
So after a failed attempt at recovery Im starting a new blog...a place where I will be brutally honest with you guys....Ive gotten up to a disgustingly high weight, I have a week to lose at minimum ten pounds...I can do this, and this time I will be better at hiding it from family and friends.
Im going to be posting EXACTLY what I eat, measurements, weight, and of course how Im feeling...
Right now Im numb, a lot has gone on in my life, a lot is still going on, more than I can explain now but I need ana, I need the control, the stability, the sanity, the bones. I need it back and I need it now.
Im going to be posting EXACTLY what I eat, measurements, weight, and of course how Im feeling...
Right now Im numb, a lot has gone on in my life, a lot is still going on, more than I can explain now but I need ana, I need the control, the stability, the sanity, the bones. I need it back and I need it now.
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