Letter To You...

...so this may not make a whole lot of sense to you guys, its basically me just really needing to vent but not wanting to give the guy the time of day.....

I am so ANGRY with you....first of all, just walking away? Youre a grown man, ACT LIKE IT. Because while you felt like the conversation was going nowhere I was learning a lot about you, and not a heck of a lot of good things, although I guess your up and leaving taught me some things as well...thanks for that. You really let your true self shine through tonight, and I know youre expecting me to text you now and apologize and beg you to forgive me because Im just a silly girl and Im sick so really I didnt know what I was saying, I know you love me and want me there and all that jazz, but guess what!? I DONT KNOW THAT, you never tell me that, or when you do its usually because youre feeling guilty for something....oh and how you took extra time off for the upcoming long weekend so you can go see youre precious "friend" Delia, the one who supposedly thinks our relationship is just charming? Yeah, its obvious youre fucking her, or you want to be...she has a freaking key to your house, she JUST left after being there nearly two weeks, you were out just before that and she was there just before that....

All I wanted was some reassurance that I wasnt planning my future around somebody who doesn't even care if Im there, and then you go and tell me you can't always be reassuring, ok fair enough, but I cant always be so god damn understanding.

Im just convenient for you, somebody who's there when your friends have gone home...well I am DONE. Because, frankly, youre an ass...a manipulative, controlling dick head and even I can see that I dont deserve to be treated like that.....honestly I should have known when you said you'd hit me for saying you dont care if we see each other, I should have known when you wouldnt spend any of your money to be here with me, when you kept trying to change me into something Im not.

I DONT LIKE SPORTS! I don't want to play softball with you, I dont want to go mountain biking, I dont like that stuff, I like reading and knitting and sewing...I dont like your music, its not going to grow on me, I like country music. I dont like your constant healthy eating, I love junk food (a little too much). I dont love going out every night and every weekend, I love staying home. I dont feel the need to spend a ridiculous amount on a pair of jeans when I can buy the exact same thing for half the price, or second hand, I love second hand shops and it pisses me off that you raise your nose to them because you are SOOOOO not above them.....I dont like you controlling me, I like input on my decisions but when you want to pick who I go out with and what I wear and what I do then we have a huge problem. Especially since you dont have to be accountable...I hate that you flirt and kiss other girls but say it doesnt matter so long as you come back to me at the end of the night because it really fucking does matter to me.

I am beyond angry with you.

Although I do owe you a lot of props, you taught me that its ok to love myself and to know that I deserve things and to go and get the things I want and deserve.....darn on you for not realizing that I deserve SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU!

99% of the time you act like you dont give two bits about me, you never talk to me first unless you want something and you get annoyed with me a lot of the time....well news flash, Im a girl, Im a girl with HUGE insecurity issues, of course I need some fucking reassurance...too bad you cant be the one to provide that because honestly, youre 32, youre running out of chances...youre a former coke head, you do pot on occasion, you drink all the time, youve just got a good job and youre a controlling ASS.....good luck with that hun, there is a reason youre single....

Even know Im stating to think maybe I overreacted, but I know I didnt, Ive felt like this for awhile and Ive made excuse after excuse for you but Im done, either you shape up and prove to me that you deserve me, which will take you a LONG time, or we're done, Im thinkin its going to be the second option because you feel like women OWE YOU. Well news flash buddy, its 2010, no woman is going to be reliant on you, it just wont happen.

So you can take youre controlling behaviors, youre need to make me feel inferior and guilty and SHOVE THEM. Because honestly, I know some of the girls youve been with, and I am a HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN THEM!

Oh and why the fuck cant you tell me how many women you've had sex with? I know its trivial but it annoys me that you are SO VERY secretive about your past, just what are you trying to hide?

I thought I would be sad, maybe later I will be, once the anger fades, Im sure I will have a huge cry, I'll grieve for the things we had, because, at least for me, there were feelings there, and I think you had them too, but you just couldnt show them, I'll grieve for the plans we had, and I'll grieve for how for a short period of time I completely lost my sense of right and wrong, but in the end I'll be ok....because you know those friends of mine you didnt really like? Well I LOVE THEM, and it just so happens they see the great things in me you could never see....

I don't know who exactly hurt you so bad that you don't trust me, you don't trust women, you think they are below you and basically there to serve you...actually one time you told me women are there to cook and clean and take care of men...haha, yeah right, not this one... I dont know how you figured we could get married and have kids when you are so damn afraid of commitment...everything had to be your way or you would act like a big old baby...its not attractive at all hun....

Overall Im so over your crap...Im over the way you treat me and Im not going to be the one to say sorry, not this time...I dont think I was asking for too much asking you to say you love me and want me there with you....its just a shame you couldnt get over your issues and be a man...because we could have been great....I deserve so much better than you, you should know that, youre the one who helped me see what I deserve. I deserve to be happy and you don't make me happy very often....I'll be there for you as a friend if you want but honestly, I think we will just drift apart, I dont think you know how to be "just friends" with women...

See ya later...maybe you'll see what you've lost, probably not though, Im sure this will all be my fault...whatever, I'll take the blame, I dont care, so long as its done. Im not wasting my money to come see you when you cant to come see me...