Weight: 120.6 pounds
Thats a loss of 2.8 pounds in 5 days, well really 4 days, day 5 is just beginning. Im not overly please, BUT any loss is better than nothing :)
Im not sure why I didn't blog yesterday, it wasn't a bad day, under 300 calories and lots of shopping :)....
Hoping today goes as good, and who wants to join me for a fast on Wednesday?
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Now The Tears Come...
...along with more determination than I've had in a long time....
So Im assuming you read my "Letter To You"...yeah, second time in about a month that my life is changing so drastically...I've given up, I have completely lost faith and hope and perseverance. I am giving in completely to my eating disorder. I just want to waste away.
Nobody will ever truly love me, its just not going to happen, Im never going to have a family, a husband, a job, a house, none of it. Its just not going to happen and I was stupid for believing it would.
Ive just never been liked, I dont know what it is, Im not feeling sorry for myself here, just being honest. Maybe people can see just how fucked up I am so they avoid me? I dont really have any "real" friends, Ive never had a "real" boyfriend and eventually everybody I care about leaves. Either I hurt them or they hurt me.
Im learning to accept that nothing is going to work out, that Im not going to have the things Ive wanted for so long.
Now all I want is to waste away, thats all I want <3
So Im assuming you read my "Letter To You"...yeah, second time in about a month that my life is changing so drastically...I've given up, I have completely lost faith and hope and perseverance. I am giving in completely to my eating disorder. I just want to waste away.
Nobody will ever truly love me, its just not going to happen, Im never going to have a family, a husband, a job, a house, none of it. Its just not going to happen and I was stupid for believing it would.
Ive just never been liked, I dont know what it is, Im not feeling sorry for myself here, just being honest. Maybe people can see just how fucked up I am so they avoid me? I dont really have any "real" friends, Ive never had a "real" boyfriend and eventually everybody I care about leaves. Either I hurt them or they hurt me.
Im learning to accept that nothing is going to work out, that Im not going to have the things Ive wanted for so long.
Now all I want is to waste away, thats all I want <3
Day Three - STATS Update
Weight: 123 pounds...down .4 of a pound, not great but anything negative is good :)
Letter To You...
...so this may not make a whole lot of sense to you guys, its basically me just really needing to vent but not wanting to give the guy the time of day.....
I am so ANGRY with you....first of all, just walking away? Youre a grown man, ACT LIKE IT. Because while you felt like the conversation was going nowhere I was learning a lot about you, and not a heck of a lot of good things, although I guess your up and leaving taught me some things as well...thanks for that. You really let your true self shine through tonight, and I know youre expecting me to text you now and apologize and beg you to forgive me because Im just a silly girl and Im sick so really I didnt know what I was saying, I know you love me and want me there and all that jazz, but guess what!? I DONT KNOW THAT, you never tell me that, or when you do its usually because youre feeling guilty for something....oh and how you took extra time off for the upcoming long weekend so you can go see youre precious "friend" Delia, the one who supposedly thinks our relationship is just charming? Yeah, its obvious youre fucking her, or you want to be...she has a freaking key to your house, she JUST left after being there nearly two weeks, you were out just before that and she was there just before that....
All I wanted was some reassurance that I wasnt planning my future around somebody who doesn't even care if Im there, and then you go and tell me you can't always be reassuring, ok fair enough, but I cant always be so god damn understanding.
Im just convenient for you, somebody who's there when your friends have gone home...well I am DONE. Because, frankly, youre an ass...a manipulative, controlling dick head and even I can see that I dont deserve to be treated like that.....honestly I should have known when you said you'd hit me for saying you dont care if we see each other, I should have known when you wouldnt spend any of your money to be here with me, when you kept trying to change me into something Im not.
I DONT LIKE SPORTS! I don't want to play softball with you, I dont want to go mountain biking, I dont like that stuff, I like reading and knitting and sewing...I dont like your music, its not going to grow on me, I like country music. I dont like your constant healthy eating, I love junk food (a little too much). I dont love going out every night and every weekend, I love staying home. I dont feel the need to spend a ridiculous amount on a pair of jeans when I can buy the exact same thing for half the price, or second hand, I love second hand shops and it pisses me off that you raise your nose to them because you are SOOOOO not above them.....I dont like you controlling me, I like input on my decisions but when you want to pick who I go out with and what I wear and what I do then we have a huge problem. Especially since you dont have to be accountable...I hate that you flirt and kiss other girls but say it doesnt matter so long as you come back to me at the end of the night because it really fucking does matter to me.
I am beyond angry with you.
Although I do owe you a lot of props, you taught me that its ok to love myself and to know that I deserve things and to go and get the things I want and deserve.....darn on you for not realizing that I deserve SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU!
99% of the time you act like you dont give two bits about me, you never talk to me first unless you want something and you get annoyed with me a lot of the time....well news flash, Im a girl, Im a girl with HUGE insecurity issues, of course I need some fucking reassurance...too bad you cant be the one to provide that because honestly, youre 32, youre running out of chances...youre a former coke head, you do pot on occasion, you drink all the time, youve just got a good job and youre a controlling ASS.....good luck with that hun, there is a reason youre single....
Even know Im stating to think maybe I overreacted, but I know I didnt, Ive felt like this for awhile and Ive made excuse after excuse for you but Im done, either you shape up and prove to me that you deserve me, which will take you a LONG time, or we're done, Im thinkin its going to be the second option because you feel like women OWE YOU. Well news flash buddy, its 2010, no woman is going to be reliant on you, it just wont happen.
So you can take youre controlling behaviors, youre need to make me feel inferior and guilty and SHOVE THEM. Because honestly, I know some of the girls youve been with, and I am a HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN THEM!
Oh and why the fuck cant you tell me how many women you've had sex with? I know its trivial but it annoys me that you are SO VERY secretive about your past, just what are you trying to hide?
I thought I would be sad, maybe later I will be, once the anger fades, Im sure I will have a huge cry, I'll grieve for the things we had, because, at least for me, there were feelings there, and I think you had them too, but you just couldnt show them, I'll grieve for the plans we had, and I'll grieve for how for a short period of time I completely lost my sense of right and wrong, but in the end I'll be ok....because you know those friends of mine you didnt really like? Well I LOVE THEM, and it just so happens they see the great things in me you could never see....
I don't know who exactly hurt you so bad that you don't trust me, you don't trust women, you think they are below you and basically there to serve you...actually one time you told me women are there to cook and clean and take care of men...haha, yeah right, not this one... I dont know how you figured we could get married and have kids when you are so damn afraid of commitment...everything had to be your way or you would act like a big old baby...its not attractive at all hun....
Overall Im so over your crap...Im over the way you treat me and Im not going to be the one to say sorry, not this time...I dont think I was asking for too much asking you to say you love me and want me there with you....its just a shame you couldnt get over your issues and be a man...because we could have been great....I deserve so much better than you, you should know that, youre the one who helped me see what I deserve. I deserve to be happy and you don't make me happy very often....I'll be there for you as a friend if you want but honestly, I think we will just drift apart, I dont think you know how to be "just friends" with women...
See ya later...maybe you'll see what you've lost, probably not though, Im sure this will all be my fault...whatever, I'll take the blame, I dont care, so long as its done. Im not wasting my money to come see you when you cant to come see me...
I am so ANGRY with you....first of all, just walking away? Youre a grown man, ACT LIKE IT. Because while you felt like the conversation was going nowhere I was learning a lot about you, and not a heck of a lot of good things, although I guess your up and leaving taught me some things as well...thanks for that. You really let your true self shine through tonight, and I know youre expecting me to text you now and apologize and beg you to forgive me because Im just a silly girl and Im sick so really I didnt know what I was saying, I know you love me and want me there and all that jazz, but guess what!? I DONT KNOW THAT, you never tell me that, or when you do its usually because youre feeling guilty for something....oh and how you took extra time off for the upcoming long weekend so you can go see youre precious "friend" Delia, the one who supposedly thinks our relationship is just charming? Yeah, its obvious youre fucking her, or you want to be...she has a freaking key to your house, she JUST left after being there nearly two weeks, you were out just before that and she was there just before that....
All I wanted was some reassurance that I wasnt planning my future around somebody who doesn't even care if Im there, and then you go and tell me you can't always be reassuring, ok fair enough, but I cant always be so god damn understanding.
Im just convenient for you, somebody who's there when your friends have gone home...well I am DONE. Because, frankly, youre an ass...a manipulative, controlling dick head and even I can see that I dont deserve to be treated like that.....honestly I should have known when you said you'd hit me for saying you dont care if we see each other, I should have known when you wouldnt spend any of your money to be here with me, when you kept trying to change me into something Im not.
I DONT LIKE SPORTS! I don't want to play softball with you, I dont want to go mountain biking, I dont like that stuff, I like reading and knitting and sewing...I dont like your music, its not going to grow on me, I like country music. I dont like your constant healthy eating, I love junk food (a little too much). I dont love going out every night and every weekend, I love staying home. I dont feel the need to spend a ridiculous amount on a pair of jeans when I can buy the exact same thing for half the price, or second hand, I love second hand shops and it pisses me off that you raise your nose to them because you are SOOOOO not above them.....I dont like you controlling me, I like input on my decisions but when you want to pick who I go out with and what I wear and what I do then we have a huge problem. Especially since you dont have to be accountable...I hate that you flirt and kiss other girls but say it doesnt matter so long as you come back to me at the end of the night because it really fucking does matter to me.
I am beyond angry with you.
Although I do owe you a lot of props, you taught me that its ok to love myself and to know that I deserve things and to go and get the things I want and deserve.....darn on you for not realizing that I deserve SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU!
99% of the time you act like you dont give two bits about me, you never talk to me first unless you want something and you get annoyed with me a lot of the time....well news flash, Im a girl, Im a girl with HUGE insecurity issues, of course I need some fucking reassurance...too bad you cant be the one to provide that because honestly, youre 32, youre running out of chances...youre a former coke head, you do pot on occasion, you drink all the time, youve just got a good job and youre a controlling ASS.....good luck with that hun, there is a reason youre single....
Even know Im stating to think maybe I overreacted, but I know I didnt, Ive felt like this for awhile and Ive made excuse after excuse for you but Im done, either you shape up and prove to me that you deserve me, which will take you a LONG time, or we're done, Im thinkin its going to be the second option because you feel like women OWE YOU. Well news flash buddy, its 2010, no woman is going to be reliant on you, it just wont happen.
So you can take youre controlling behaviors, youre need to make me feel inferior and guilty and SHOVE THEM. Because honestly, I know some of the girls youve been with, and I am a HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN THEM!
Oh and why the fuck cant you tell me how many women you've had sex with? I know its trivial but it annoys me that you are SO VERY secretive about your past, just what are you trying to hide?
I thought I would be sad, maybe later I will be, once the anger fades, Im sure I will have a huge cry, I'll grieve for the things we had, because, at least for me, there were feelings there, and I think you had them too, but you just couldnt show them, I'll grieve for the plans we had, and I'll grieve for how for a short period of time I completely lost my sense of right and wrong, but in the end I'll be ok....because you know those friends of mine you didnt really like? Well I LOVE THEM, and it just so happens they see the great things in me you could never see....
I don't know who exactly hurt you so bad that you don't trust me, you don't trust women, you think they are below you and basically there to serve you...actually one time you told me women are there to cook and clean and take care of men...haha, yeah right, not this one... I dont know how you figured we could get married and have kids when you are so damn afraid of commitment...everything had to be your way or you would act like a big old baby...its not attractive at all hun....
Overall Im so over your crap...Im over the way you treat me and Im not going to be the one to say sorry, not this time...I dont think I was asking for too much asking you to say you love me and want me there with you....its just a shame you couldnt get over your issues and be a man...because we could have been great....I deserve so much better than you, you should know that, youre the one who helped me see what I deserve. I deserve to be happy and you don't make me happy very often....I'll be there for you as a friend if you want but honestly, I think we will just drift apart, I dont think you know how to be "just friends" with women...
See ya later...maybe you'll see what you've lost, probably not though, Im sure this will all be my fault...whatever, I'll take the blame, I dont care, so long as its done. Im not wasting my money to come see you when you cant to come see me...
Day Three - Morning
I hate feeling so anxious, overly anxious and worried and stressed out about everything, about things that aren't really in my control to begin with.....I feel like if I can get control back over my body, what I weigh, what I eat, how I look then everything else will be manageable. I need that skinny feeling back, where I know Im one of the skinniest girls in the room, I know that Im that little bit above the others who cant control themselves and their wants as well...I WILL get that back, I have to, I have to lose this weight.
Ive been liquid fasting for the past couple of days but I think Im going to end that today and just stay under 350 calories....
Ive been liquid fasting for the past couple of days but I think Im going to end that today and just stay under 350 calories....
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Day Two - STATS
Weight: 123.4 pounds
Waist: 26 inches
Hips: 35.5 inches
Bust: 32.5 inches
Upper Thigh: 20.5 inches
FAT!
Ive tried on my jeans, the jeans I used to wear every day and I honestly can't do them up....thats my goal for the next week and a half, do my jeans up.
ps. If you want to see pics this post corresponds with photo album Entry ONE on my fb...
Waist: 26 inches
Hips: 35.5 inches
Bust: 32.5 inches
Upper Thigh: 20.5 inches
FAT!
Ive tried on my jeans, the jeans I used to wear every day and I honestly can't do them up....thats my goal for the next week and a half, do my jeans up.
ps. If you want to see pics this post corresponds with photo album Entry ONE on my fb...
Day Two - Midday
My parents are home...I forgot how hard it is when my parents are around....but Im still sticking to my liquid fast :)
I havent weighed or measured yet, too nervous so I just put it off......Im going grocery shopping this afternoon, something I completely LOVE, even though I look like a retard reading every label I can get my hands on....
I'll fill you in when I get home :)
I havent weighed or measured yet, too nervous so I just put it off......Im going grocery shopping this afternoon, something I completely LOVE, even though I look like a retard reading every label I can get my hands on....
I'll fill you in when I get home :)
Friday, August 27, 2010
Day One
So after a failed attempt at recovery Im starting a new blog...a place where I will be brutally honest with you guys....Ive gotten up to a disgustingly high weight, I have a week to lose at minimum ten pounds...I can do this, and this time I will be better at hiding it from family and friends.
Im going to be posting EXACTLY what I eat, measurements, weight, and of course how Im feeling...
Right now Im numb, a lot has gone on in my life, a lot is still going on, more than I can explain now but I need ana, I need the control, the stability, the sanity, the bones. I need it back and I need it now.
Im going to be posting EXACTLY what I eat, measurements, weight, and of course how Im feeling...
Right now Im numb, a lot has gone on in my life, a lot is still going on, more than I can explain now but I need ana, I need the control, the stability, the sanity, the bones. I need it back and I need it now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)