Sunday, September 12, 2010
Day 17 - Officially UNDERWEIGHT!!!
I can't even tell you how fantastic it was to weight this morning, I now have a BMI of 18.4, granted its still only .1 underweight but its a start!! :)
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Day 16 & some insight
Im losing weight - finally!!! :) The gap between my thighs is back :) Im in love, and my laptop gets hooked on my ribs when Im sitting/laying :)......other things in my life aren't going as well...but I think that may be because I make them more complicated and stress myself out?
I think I have a huge problem with relationships....they never last...and its usually my fault...things are fantastic for the first bit, then I find some fault (of my own) and convince myself that he will never stay with me anyways so I give numerous options and reasons to leave me and then when that doesnt work and we are talking serious commitment, babies, marriage, houses, everything, Im all gung-ho for the first bit and then it just stops cold and I dont want it anymore....then I usually end up feeling so guilty about it that I do something on purpose to make the relationship end because I cant bring myself to do it.....I think I am just too scared that it wont last, that his feelings will change so I make myself change mine, I back up and close myself off so I dont get too badly hurt....its a huge issue for me.
I think I have a huge problem with relationships....they never last...and its usually my fault...things are fantastic for the first bit, then I find some fault (of my own) and convince myself that he will never stay with me anyways so I give numerous options and reasons to leave me and then when that doesnt work and we are talking serious commitment, babies, marriage, houses, everything, Im all gung-ho for the first bit and then it just stops cold and I dont want it anymore....then I usually end up feeling so guilty about it that I do something on purpose to make the relationship end because I cant bring myself to do it.....I think I am just too scared that it wont last, that his feelings will change so I make myself change mine, I back up and close myself off so I dont get too badly hurt....its a huge issue for me.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Day 14
Two weeks. Two whole weeks and I've not lost near enough...its measurement day but Im not measuring because Im bloated from my cycle...I will weigh later though....
Im just feeling discouraged, that its not going to matter how skinny I get because it will never be enough, that I will never get skinny....I so badly want to be the size I used to be before I tried to recover.
Im not eating lunch today, so far Ive had green tea, and then Im planning on soup, 300 cals or less, thats all...I dont even have an appetite, I just want to go to sleep, I feel like I could sleep forever, and I am so cold.
I go to school and I function on autopilot. I take the notes but I have no idea what we even talk about, which isn't good if I want to pass this last year of college....
I am just so FAT, so disgustingly fat.
Im just feeling discouraged, that its not going to matter how skinny I get because it will never be enough, that I will never get skinny....I so badly want to be the size I used to be before I tried to recover.
Im not eating lunch today, so far Ive had green tea, and then Im planning on soup, 300 cals or less, thats all...I dont even have an appetite, I just want to go to sleep, I feel like I could sleep forever, and I am so cold.
I go to school and I function on autopilot. I take the notes but I have no idea what we even talk about, which isn't good if I want to pass this last year of college....
I am just so FAT, so disgustingly fat.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Day 12
I am STRESSED. Completely and totally stressed, I have a cold, Im all premenstrual, Ive been binging, and I start my second year of college tomorrow :( ....Im pretty much a manic mess...
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Day ? Im not sure..
...Ive lost count of the days, long story short, I've gained a little bit...blah...I will lose it though.
I just can't stand my weight, I look in the mirror and all I see is fat, chin rolls, and just LARD. I am disgusted with myself.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Day Seven - STATS and Measurement Update
Weight: 119.2
Waist: 25 inches
Hips: 36 inches
Bust: 32 inches
Upper Thigh: 20.5 inches
Now a whole heck of a lot of change :(
Waist: 25 inches
Hips: 36 inches
Bust: 32 inches
Upper Thigh: 20.5 inches
Now a whole heck of a lot of change :(
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Daddy's Ten Rules Of Dating
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early'
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, imwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early'
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, imwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Girlie Wisdom - from a friend
1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.
10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
12. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.
10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
12. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
Some Goals
I want to be 105 pounds....currently Im 119...I can do it, just 14 pounds really... :) Totally doable...however 105 puts me at a BMI of 16.5...something Im sure my family will notice and put the brakes on....Im going to find a way of reaching it though....but at the same time I know 105 wont be enough, that ultimately I want to be 89 pounds, a BMI of 13.9....There is just something soothing about that number, 13 is my lucky number, and 89 sounds smooth.
I want to finish this last year at college, with fantastic grades...I want a job, and a vehicle of my own (jeep liberty).
I want inner strength, and inner peace. I want BONES.
I just want to be happy.
I want patience, control, and power.
I want to be desired, loved and needed.
I want to be SKINNY.
I want to be the girl everyone else is envious of, the girl all the guys want and all the girls want to look like, the one who can buy the size 0 jeans and look fab in them.
I want to finish this last year at college, with fantastic grades...I want a job, and a vehicle of my own (jeep liberty).
I want inner strength, and inner peace. I want BONES.
I just want to be happy.
I want patience, control, and power.
I want to be desired, loved and needed.
I want to be SKINNY.
I want to be the girl everyone else is envious of, the girl all the guys want and all the girls want to look like, the one who can buy the size 0 jeans and look fab in them.
Just Bloggin'
Firstly, I want to make sure all my friends know just how much I appreciate and love and adore each and every one of them, a lot has gone on lately and if it weren't for each and every one of you I would have been a complete broken mess...so THANK YOU! :)
Secondly, to those people who are constant negativity in my life, move on, youre not worth it, seriously, because you are not going to bring me down...
And thirdly, I love clean bedding :) haha, it makes the whole room smell lovely and its just heavenly to go to bed :) haha AND I also love Big Brother :)...
Secondly, to those people who are constant negativity in my life, move on, youre not worth it, seriously, because you are not going to bring me down...
And thirdly, I love clean bedding :) haha, it makes the whole room smell lovely and its just heavenly to go to bed :) haha AND I also love Big Brother :)...
Day 6 - Noon
So Im sitting at the kitchen table with my mom...she's eating chinese food and salad, as if the salad is going to counteract the billion calories in the greasy chinese...BAH, Im having diet Dr. Pepper for lunch :)...however, and Im aware this is completely irrational, Im worried Im going to absorb the calories in her food...gah, it smells good...but I will NOT eat it, actually I dont even feel like eating, which is good :)
Im just going to sit here through lunch, then go clean my room and sort out all my clothes :) YAY!
Im just going to sit here through lunch, then go clean my room and sort out all my clothes :) YAY!
Day 6 STATS
Weight: 119.8
Tomorrow marks one week, which means time to measure....Im nervous...in six days Ive only lost 3.6 pounds...
Tomorrow marks one week, which means time to measure....Im nervous...in six days Ive only lost 3.6 pounds...
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